On Character and Idols

I have come to the conclusion that the older we get the more we realize our shortcomings.  I would say that I have become more wretched over time but I believe that I have always been as wretched as I am right now.  As a teen and young adult, I thought I had it pretty much together.  Ha!  I look back and laugh at my young, over-confident pride.  And, I smile when I see it in the generations after me...especially in my children:)  I know that God will work in their lives in His timing as He has mine....removing one layer at a time.

Peter and I have just completed yet another parenting study at our church.  It's just one of those areas where we want to always be learning and growing.  As we are stretched to learn more, I am realizing just how much there is to improve in my parenting skills.

We were talking in this parenting class about idols in the context of sibling conflict.  In that moment of conflict, what is the child's heart worshiping?  What is the most important thing?  What is the thing they want more than obedience to God. THAT is the idol.  We can tell where the heart is based on actions.  Simply breaking up the fight does nothing to develop character in their hearts and lives.  They are upset because something has taken that place in their hearts and lives...that place designed to be perfectly filled only by the God of this universe.  But the welling up of anger is a sure sign that God is not on his throne in their hearts.  Wow.  As I listened to the teaching, I couldn't help but think of the areas in my life that anger me...a mess to clean, a child interrupting, a job left undone by another family member.  The list goes on and on.

I am still pondering, several weeks later, the things I have placed on God's throne in my heart and life.  That perspective is the one that I need to keep...always.  If a mess is making me angry, am I worshiping the idol of laziness or comfort?  What is so important that I would become angry?  I am definitely not angry as a result of a heart that is worshiping God in that moment!

I have been making a mental list of those things and working to remove them and replace God to his rightful place in my heart.  But, it's so hard, isn't it?  I'm doing great and then all of the sudden a toddler screams in response to the teasing of an older sibling and on my way to correct the situation, I trip over shoes left out and then it happens.  That idol begins to rise in my heart.  And, unwilling to knock it off the throne, I speak angrily to a child.

It sure is easy to sit back and marvel in disgust at how the Isrealites worshiped idols.  Isn't it?  I mean, God had just set them free from the bondage of slavery and there they were worshiping idols.
But, isn't that very much what we do in our lives every day?  God has set us free from the bondage of sin and we turn right around and worship idols.  I know it's true in my life.  *sigh*

 (Picture from biblenews1.com)

It's a journey that I know will continue for many years (longer than 40 years...quite possibly forever) as God peels back layer upon layer in my life and removes idol after idol. 

So, each time that I have a talk with a child about what his/her heart is worshiping, I also search my own heart.

As parents, what kinds of idol worship have we demonstrated for our kids?  It's time to tear them down!

A Change of Heart

When I first began parenting, I was armed with very little experience. 

I realize this is like Bill Cosby saying "I started out as a child"...haha.  But, what is amazing is that at the time, I thought I had experience.  I had worked as a caregiver for infants, K4 teacher's aid, Montessori teacher, Nanny, camp counselor/director at multiple summer camps, children's ministry director, nursery coordinator and classroom teacher, but, none of these prepared me to shape and mold the hearts of my children.

 I had never been responsible for the hearts of children or developing character in their lives.  

Then, as I began this parenting journey, it became my job to teach this little baby that I was holding in my arms about the Lord and cultivate character and the heart of a servant leader in his life...but how?


I was strict and consistent (I only had one so it was much easier...haha) and thought that was good.  I still strive to be consistent but over the years, I have realized that gaining and keep the hearts of my children is far more important than how I get them to perform.  It is rather hard to mold and shape hearts that are hard.  I have found the most hardening elements in the hearts of my children are disciplining their behavior over their heart condition and resenting them for their sinful behavior instead of loving them through it.  I look to how my Heavenly Father loves me in spite of my sinful behavior and I strive to love my children in the same way. 

It sounds so easy...doesn't it?  

But, in the day to day grind of stress and exhaustion it can be so very difficult.  It's amazing that a small thing can be so challenging and yet so imperative in the lives of my children.  It is a small adjustment within my heart with a huge impact in their lives.  When I smile at my children, use my "kind voice", and point them to scripture they are much more pliable.

Aren't we all?  

When I stop worrying about what that lady in the line at the grocery store is thinking and focus on maintaining a right relationship with my child (and my Heavenly Father because He is loaning these little ones to me), I gain more of their hearts.  It is the heart that I am after.  If I loose their hearts, I have lost it all.


Working daily to win little hearts!

What things do you do to gain the hearts of your children?

The Heart of the Matter

Today I really want to share a quote that came to me via email some time ago from a former pastor who still speaks into our lives.  I have shared it before on facebook but wanted to have it here on my blog as well.

I believe that this is such an important and yet easily missed truth in the busyness of raising kids.  It is the number one parenting issue that the Lord has put on my heart lately.  I am striving to learn and win the heart of my little ones. 

"People tend to embrace the teaching and beliefs of those who love them the most. And your children are no different. They are much more likely to accept the truth you teach if you deliver it to them within a loving, heart-to-heart relationship. Whoever has their heart has their ears. . . .

 Dr. S.M. Davis wisely explains it like this: “The key ingredient in raising good children is to get their hearts early, keep their hearts, and be extremely vigilant not to lose your children’s hearts. If you do lose your child’s heart, then quickly  find out where and when you lost it, and put into action a plan to get their heart back no matter what it takes to do it. No matter how much time or trouble or money it takes to get back your child’s heart, you must decide ahead of time that you will be willing to pay the price.” . . . .

Despite this, fathers (and I will add mothers too) are notorious for doing things that anger their children and lose their hearts. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” Before telling us to train and instruct our children, we are warned not to frustrate or embitter them. Why?

Because if we lose their hearts, we lose everything. They simply won’t listen to us. This is so important that if it is not heeded, fathering will fail.

There you have it . . . a healthy challenge to all of us . . . So . . . what is the Lord telling you to do in response?"

I really need to read this about once a week to help me stay focused on the long term goal of raising my children.  So many little things just really don't matter when you are focused on the end result.

I hope this will bless, encourage, and challenge you as much as it did me.

Happy heart hunting:) 

Kind, Necessary, and True: The Taming of the Tongue

One year on Mother's Day, my church showed a video of different members honoring their mothers...sharing things that their mothers had sacrificed for them, done for them, or taught them.  As a mother, one message spoke to me above all the rest.  It was a man sharing what his mother taught him about controlling the tongue.  His mother taught him only to say what is "kind, necessary, and true".  What a great guideline...kind, necessary, and true.  This short, quick reference has been truly pivotal in my own life.  I am still a work in progress for sure, but I refer to this often...kind, necessary, and true.  As my children have grown older, I am attempting to pass it on to them.  Right now, it is just little seeds planted in their moist, fertile hearts, but one day I believe that it be a living and growing guideline in their lives.  Kind...Necessary...True.   


One of my favorite scripture passages on controlling the tongue is from James 3.  As homeschooled children, my brothers and I memorized the book of James (along with hundreds of other kids who schooled with the same curriculum).  It is still a driving force in my heart and mind.  Here is part of that passage.

^"3 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. ⁴ Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. ⁵ Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶ The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
 ⁷ All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, ⁸ but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
 ⁹ With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. ¹¹ Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? ¹² My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water."  James 3:3-11 NIV 


I love the part about the ship.  It paints such an amazing picture...reminds me of the Aubrey-Maturin series by Patrick O'Brian (one of Peter's favorites).

 

Here is this massive structure being controlled and turned by a comparatively small piece.  They say that a picture is worth a thousand words so I will leave you with this picture of a ship being turned...kind, necessary, and true:)

Making it fun.

This morning after breakfast as all the kids were doing their morning chores (or rather they were supposed to be doing their chores) it hit me that somehow none of them were actually doing their chores...and they hadn't been for a while.  Well, that isn't all together true.  They had been eventually doing them...just not right away and with a cheerful heart.  As I thought about this, I realized that they had been slow to obey in other areas too.  How does this happen?  It's not like I had been letting them disobey...was it?  Hmmm.  It is amazing to me how I can be just going about my days and then, all of the sudden, I realize that we are pretty far off in one area or another.  It is a slow happening in our family.  It is like the frog who will boil to death, never realizing that he is in hot water, as long as the water is gradually turned up...slow over time.  That frog will just sit there and boil to death.  I am so glad that I am not a frog...haha.  But, all of the sudden, I realized that the water of distraction and disobedience had become pretty hot and I needed to jump out and pull the kids with me.  I was being distracted and they were disobeying.  I do have plenty of things to distract me and it is a real challenge to stay focused on each small interaction with each child but, somehow, I had to make the change.  Reminding them over and over to do their chores and obey immediately wasn't really making for a peaceful house nor was I winning their hearts in the process.  It was creating lots of stress.

At six, eight, and almost ten, my older three children should really be capable of being independent with their chores.  The chores are age appropriate and should take about ten minutes.  I even have a check list for them to refer to in the mornings (I'm a list person and they can all read.  When they are too young to read, I make a list by pictures.  Watch for a later post on this.)  Even my four year old is capable of doing a chore that is appropriate to his age.  (My little boys are currently buddied up with an older brother to start learning a chore.  It is fantastically cute to watch the older two boys teaching the little two.)  But, it wasn't working.  I have plans to order "Managers of Their Chores" by Terri Maxwell to see if it will help me manage their chores...haha:)  But, until then, something had to change...and fast!

So, it was time to sit everyone (the older four actually) down and talk about the change.  I told them that we needed to make some changes.  Kids were not getting their chores done or obeying in a timely fashion and mom was having to remind them too much.  It was making us start school later in the morning which, in turn, eats away at their free time in the afternoon.  They perked up at this point but, I could still see the fog in their eyes so, after explaining the consequences of disobedience in our home, I decided to make it fun.  Kids can accomplish SO much when you make a game out of it.

There are five basic things that I would like them to remember when asked to do a job or chore.

1. Smile at mom (or whatever adult is giving instructions)  This is actually very important because it causes them to immediately check their emotions and helps them to practice self-control in the physical.  Even if their hearts aren't there quite yet, it is about being polite.
2. Say "Yes ma'am, I'd be happy to".  Yet one more check that allows them to practice self-control in the verbal.  I am from Texas and really like for my kids to show respect to all adults by responding with "yes ma'am" or "yes sir".  This is definitely not one of the Ten Commandments or anything...I just like it.  It's polite:) We are not totally there yet, but we are working on it.  It also goes far beyond just obeying by speaking (the spoken word is VERY powerful) aloud that they will be happy to obey.
3. Go do the job or chore (obey) very quickly.
4. Check to make sure that the job is done completely and well.  We call this "Checkity-check-check-check".
5. Return to mom (they may have to find me as I rarely stay in one place very long...haha) and report that the job is done.  This keeps me from having to keep asking about chores which can wear on them.

We repeated these five steps together several times...over exaggerating each one.  You should have seen how big these kids can smile and how sweetly they can say "Yes ma'am, I'd be happy to"!  Even my eldest, who is shy and slightly above this sort of silliness, (in his own mind anyway) joined in.

Now comes the fun part.  Being that all of my children are still in the "front nine" they really need to practice this to help them remember.  I have found that they remember so much more with repetition and getting up and moving while they learn.  So...I called out instructions and they would go through all five steps.  We again, over exaggerated each one of the steps and they each got their turn to be silly and to laugh at their siblings being silly.  Smile.  "Yes ma'am. I'd be happy to.", run do the job, checkity-check-check-check, Report back to mom.  It went like this.  "Brennan, please go lock the back door."  Brennan responds with: Smile. "Yes ma'am, I'd be happy to."  Run lock the door. Checkity-check-check-check.  Report back to mom.  "Mom, I have locked the door."  I gave them quick jobs and some silly like "Go stand on that rug and jump ten times".  This is an especially great one to give to any little boys who are having a hard time sitting still...and I have five boys:)

We did this for a while so that each of them had several chances to participate and then, when I could see that they had it down, we switched it a bit and kept practicing.

We did it "Army style".  The boys especially loved this and it went something like this.  Mom says, "Private Abby.  I have a mission for you.  Take that webkinz and put it away in the loft".  Abby responds with: Smile.  "Yes ma'am, I'd be happy to"...saluting as she speaks.  Run to put away the toy.  Checkity-check-check-check.  Report to mom..."Sergeant Mom, I have completed the mission". 

So, we started our "academic school" very late today and didn't get everything done that was on my list before we had to leave for PE.  But, we had fun and laughed together, we worked on character and heart issues, and the kids now have defined steps to follow when I ask them to do something.  There can be no doubt of my expectations. 


*I did steal this idea from the Duggar's book "20 and Counting" but changed it to fit the situation for our family.

*If you are looking for a list of "age appropriate" chores for your children, I would recommend "The Homeschooler's Book of Lists" by Sonya A. Haskins.  Our local library has it...your may too:)

"Mommy, find my heart"

"Mommy, find my heart", I heard my four year old say one afternoon.


     Now, to give you the full picture I should let you know that I was standing at the kitchen island deep in thought making out my grocery shopping list (which is no small feat for a family of eight and requires a significant amount of concentration).  My first thought was to say "Oh, there it is" with a half hearted tone and return to my very important grocery list (said with much sarcasm of course).

     I turn to see him holding up a toy stethoscope in his dimpled little fingers, looking up at me with his big blue eyes and the Lord spoke to me in that moment.


     "Allison", I heard him whisper to my heart, "find that little heart, gain that little heart, and keep it...at all cost!".  I took a deep breath to help contain the tears that were welling up inside of me, pushed the grocery list aside, turned to this precious child who was asking for my love, accceptance, and attention and found his heart.  I couldn't help but smile, as I listened to his little heart beating, at the powerful message that he had just delivered without knowing it.


     The Lord had been speaking to me about gaining the hearts of my children for several weeks.  He first pricked my heart on the issue when I read a blog post by Josh Harris, where he re-posted (haha...this modern age) from a homeschooling father's blog.  Josh's blog is entitled "Homeschooling Blindspots" and is quite powerful.  Here is the link.  http://www.joshharris.com/2011/09/homeschool_blindspots.php
     You see, I too was homeshooled.  As I read this blog, I could relate as a child who had been homeschooled.  I felt myself saying "yep, yep, those are blindspots".  Then, I came to number nine in the list "Not Cultivating a Loving Relationship With Our Children" and BAM!...I was convicted.  Was I cultivating a loving relationship with my children?  I have to admit that I had never thought about it in those terms before.  I read it over and over again allowing it to really sink in.  I then emailed the list to my husband, who, amazingly enough, was also homeshooled.
     Since that day, the Lord has been sending this same message to me through  sermons, books, conversations with my husband and other dear friends, emails, blogs, and now...from the very mouth of one of the little blessings that He has entrusted to my care.  Here is one of the quotes that has really meant a great deal to me recently from The Resolution for Men, p. 105-106.

"People tend to embrace the teaching and beliefs of those who love them the most. And your children are no different. They are much more likely to accept the truth you teach if you deliver it to them within a loving, heart-to-heart relationship. Whoever has their heart has their ears. . . .

Dr. S.M. Davis wisely explains it like this: “The key ingredient in raising good children is to get their hearts early, keep their hearts, and be extremely vigilant not to lose your children’s hearts. If you do lose your child’s heart, then quickly  find out where and when you lost it, and put into action a plan to get their heart back no matter what it takes to do it. No matter how much time or trouble or money it takes to get back your child’s heart, you must decide ahead of time that you will be willing to pay the price.” . . . .

Despite this, fathers are notorious for doing things that anger their children and lose their hearts. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” Before telling us to train and instruct our children, we are warned not to frustrate or embitter them. Why?

Because if we lose their hearts, we lose everything. They simply won’t listen to us. This is so important that if it is not heeded, fathering (and might I add...mothering too) will fail."

This message came by way of email from our former pastors in Virginia, Brad and Alyson Shedd, who have us on their mailing list.  How timely this message was!

 As my four year old and I took turns "finding each other's hearts" I silently prayed that the Lord would give me wisdom to recognize how to gain the hearts of each of my children and that He would help me to keep their hearts.  I believe that all of our children are saying to us "Mommy, find my heart!"